6 new things to officially be afraid of. - 2008

Our parents feared the soviets, swimming in a body of water that looked deep enough to hide Jaws, Mushroom clouds and retaliation from the moon. Our grandparents survived the Great Depression, two world wars and the devils new music. While our great grandparents fled from Napoleon and Alexander the Great, or whatever. But aside from the usual things like Madcow, Super political candidates, Terrorists on planes, and the Oxygen Network. Our generation has had little to be afraid of. So here are 6 new things that you can officially panic about.

1. Homeless people who want to shake your hand
Just when you thought giving away money was the worst thing homeless people could ask you to do, they come up with this. Once in a while, if a homeless guys really nice or has some special skill like juggling syringes in the rain, Ill throw a few cents his way. But I draw the line at shaking hands and touching... For all the homeless people reading this, (Cause im sure you all have brand new Dells hiding in your cardboard box my nickels are paying for.. ) Please know that I have nothing against you personally. I’m just playing the odds that you have some horrific contagious disease.

2. Cross fire between Pirates and Ninjas
It was bound to happen eventually and the ticking bomb finally went off when an epic battle between Ninjas and Pirates broke out as a Japanese tanker, probably carrying magical charms and gold was hijacked by Somalian Pirates off the coast of Africa. Coalition navel forces in the area searched for the ship but it entered Somalian territorial waters and disappeared for days. It’s not yet known whether or not the crew had enough time to vanish into the shadows or declare their 5 stealth bonus and get their free turn... But today the ultimate fate of ships on our waterways is a little more uncertain.

3. Fourteen foot Burmese pythons
In the span of two weeks last year in Miami, three enormous Burmese pythons were found or captured. The first one tried to swallow an entire alligator and exploded halfway through. Scientists predict that this is also how Ann Coulter will die. The second one was captured alive in someone’s backyard after eating an old ladies outdoor cat, which was really a dick move no matter who you ask. Now, the other 103 cats she owns live with the fear, not knowing which one of them's going to disappear next.. The latest python was also captured alive, this time in a fish pond, and, under Floridas strict trespassing laws, it will be released immediately back into the Republican Party.

4. Perfect storms.
In the past couple of years you've seen what a place a god would go if he had to stop doing blow would look like after it sinks under rising waters. You've had to plan your day around puddles and snow drifts strategically dotted in front of your door. While every time a new holiday is just around the corner, every last one of you is looking around for the next ugly kid you need to kick over the side of that local volcano, hoping to hell there are enough people out there with the same idea as you trying to bring about that dry long weekend. And because of all that you/re as much a victim of global warming, big business, and Mother Nature going through her "change" as the rest of us.

5. Chinese-Made Toy Recall

Just when you thought it was safe to lick the paint from your Tonka truck Mattel sticks it to you again with another Chinese made toy recall due to led content in their export products. As if kids today didn't have enough to worry about with school bullies, Michael Jackson hiding behind every school bag and 45% of marriages ending in divorce because they wont take a bath or finish the rest of their peas, they get kicked in the gut with news like this, bound to drive a few of them back to the bottle and that liquid crack they call chocolate milk..

6. Stem Cell Breakthrough

In November, two groups of scientists in Japan and Wisconsin announced that they had found a way to reprogram human skin cells to behave like embryonic stem cells without having to make or destroy any embryos. Paving the way for new research into Cancer cures, and Organ replacement research. For some reason fundamentalists in the Bible belt think this new breakthrough puts an end to the need for embryonic stem cell research. And if they want to sacrifice their extra skin for that they're welcomed too it. But if they want my skin cells they'll have to pry them out of my cold, dead fingers.

Cause.. Cause that's where I keep my skin cells, my cold, dead fingers...